Greetings, Darlings and Happiest of New Years to you!
I can’t believe its been a year since I began this column. What started as a ranting and observational-type thing has blossomed into something far better: Giving you poor souls advice about sex and relationships. And I wouldn’t change it for the world.
I’m looking forward to getting deeper and dirtier with you as we move forward through this year of the Monkey, so please, send me your questions. I’m here for you!
And I’m terribly excited that The Baroness is also in the German RonOrp now! Think of all the Swiss people I can reach now! It makes me giddy even thinking of it! Wilkomme!
Send your letters to [email protected] . And if you wanted to write me one of those lovely old fashioned, hand-written documents (which I so adore) you can do so care of the RonOrp office in Zurich: 
The Baroness Ron Orp St. Jakobstrasse 54 8004 Zürich
If you felt compelled to send gifts - though I would never ask you to do such a thing, I would not be insulted. Ron has assured me there is a free corner in his place where the treasures I receive can live until I collect them. Oh, how I do love presents . . .
The Baroness is also now on Twitter @thebaronessZH and on “The Devil’s Facebook”, as my dear friend Marilyn calls it, at The Baroness . You can send your questions, letters, feedback and even recipes here. Post photos of yourselves in caftans at cocktail parties – you do as you please. Just make sure you always have a (full) glass in hand. 
You don’t even need to keep it clean, because all my grandparents are dead, I keep my father in the dark and my mother is why I’m like this. So!
And though I said you don’t need to keep it clean, please no dickpix. I have an entire iPhone full of ‘em that keeps me quite busy enough, thank you very much.
Finally . . . drumroll, please . . . The Baroness will have her own YouTube channel in the coming months! Yes. It’s true. You can now die happy.
Send me letters! Send me questions! Don’t be shy! I’m here for you! I begin each day with a Vodka martini (dirty, extra olives) just so I’m able to counsel you at my best. Now that’s love!
Until next week, darlings.
As Ever, 
xx The Baroness

Hello Darlings!
While some of you more organized and diligent sorts may have already completed your HOHOHO shopping, there are many of us who still have yet to commence such activities . . . So to assist you in your quest, I’ve compiled a list of a few select items your favorite hu man might appreciate (and maybe even adore): 
 
Books are always tops  of my list for gifts I love to give and receive. I won’t upload my Amazon* wish list for you to copy - it’s far too long to include here and I wouldn’t want to bore you with all the 19th Century academic texts, obscure conceptual art archives and first edition vintage erotica over which I drool, but I will happily give you a few examples of sexy and decandent books su re to please e ven the most stiffly upper-lipped of friends.
* I’m so conflicted abou t using Amazon. It’s simple an d fast and easy, but I would much prefer to support small, independent book sellers and recommend you do the same as much as possible. 
Micha el F a udet’ s Dirty Pretty Things - Prose, poetry and little erotic short stories about sex and relat ionships. A perfect little tome to flip through and be inspired. And titillated. 
Encyclopedia of the Exquisite: An Anecdotal History of Elegant Delights  - I saw this on a friend’s coffee table and immediately added it to my wish list after perusing while indulging in too many Luxemburgerli.

Vox by Nicholson Baker. Classic erotica. A phone conversation between a man and a woman which gets very sexy, very fast. I read it in college and used to pick it up to rere ad on the occ asional rainy afternoon at least once a year. Until someone borrowed it and never returned it. Damnit. Must get new copy. Lingerie is a go-to gift for a reason. Even if your beloved doesn’t don the stuff everyday, I honestly don’t know a  single woman who doesn’t appreciate having some sexy item s in her arsenal. There are even some of us who enjoy wearin g our silks , satins and laces when no one else is around. And if the doorbell rings and you don’t have time to get dressed, the postman will surely not complain. You may begin receiving more mail than usual!

Things to know: Her sizes and color preferences. You can’t go wrong with black. Some women loathe red and  think it’s cheap looking while others go mad for it. Better to know that she adores Navy Blue than to see her face contort and fake a halfhearted than k you when she sees the aqua ensemble you went with.  I used to go to a place in the states called Anne’s Silks and Satins in the 90s in a quaint  little seaside town. Anne, a well-preserved cross between Dolly Parton , Ann-Margaret and Ann Richards, (former Governor of Texas), kept detailed index cards on each customer so when their paramour came in in search of a gift, they walked out with a perfectly fitting something t hat would surely be met with a positive reaction. I miss that place.
I f anyone wants to get me a gift, I would not say no to a pair of these from one of my fave shops to stock up on guilty plea sures - Sensuelle in Zurich. Here you can find goodies for all  the adults on your list. And you’ll likely want to pick up a little something for yourself as well. After all, you’ve been good this ye ar, haven’t you?

This is on my list. At the very top. (Ju st under the books.) I just can’t decide which one I want. I’m thinking gold. It will go perfectly with the Joan Holloway look which I  pulled together quite well for Halloween, if I do say so myself.
Shoes, glorious shoes! We all need them. And whil e we don’t exactly need 100 pairs, you’d be hard-pressed to  find a woman (and many men too) who would not be thrilled at the thought and would happily make closet space for oodles of shoes. The thought of someone else picking out a pair of sexy heels or boots  th ey would like to see on you is a gift in itself and the concern of buying shoes for feet other than your own should not deter you. . .  That’s why we keep our receipts, darlings!
Enter Colette Sol , my favorite locally desi gned collection of delicious shoes and bags. Colette has  a local private showroom where she’d be more than  happy to host you and a group of your closest shoe-loving friends. You won’t go away empty-handed, believe me. And  people will be stopping you on the  s treet asking you where you got those hot, red and black, snakeskin ankle boots. (I have these and love them  so much I’m almost afraid to wear them. They are on display in my office. I really like looking at them. I’ll wear them tomorrow.)
  Sometimes you don’t feel like  dig ging out the ribbon and wrapping paper; sometimes it’s just better to create a n experie nce. One of the best dining experiences you can treat someone to i s at Maison Manesse . While there are many lovely restaurants in Zurich I can recommend, only one comes to mind when I think of a true, unique eating experience - a series of culinary moments. Trust me. Go see sex y Miguel and tell him The Baroness sends her love and will be back soon.
 
Let’s see  . . . am I missing anything? . . . ah, yes! Jewelry! There are two designers I’m currently drooling over. Cristina of Atelier McDaniel  is all about stars - rings, necklaces, bracelets, cufflinks . . . Cristina has been creating fabulous pieces since 2014 and each time she comes out with a new o ne, I want it. My latest desire is a pair of her pavé diamond star ear rings. Maybe I’ll make a few more holes in my cute little ears so I can have a pair in each size. See darlings, for every challenge, there is a solution. 
This summer I had the pleasure of attending a wedding in the south of France of two of the most charmin g, handsome and stylish men I know. The guests ranged from a J.Crew model to a s et designer for the upcoming Wonder Woman movie to two incredible jewelry designers. Gisele Ganne is one. (I’ll be sure to tell you about the other when her new coll ection comes out.) When I first saw Gisele's work, I was unsure I could pull it off. It’s so dramatic and makes such a statement and is so stunning and gothic . . . but then I thought, O h Baroness, you are dramatic and stunning and like to make statements! Her work is perfect for you! The only problem is deciding where to begin. Which I’m  still doing. I plan on choosing my first piece and telling my accountant it’s what I’d like from him for Christmas. Seems only fair. He does owe me. Or is it that I owe him? . . . Anyway, you’ll likely have a hard time choosing as well, but you surely cannot go wrong. I know you’re all fabulous enough to pull off one or several of these stun ners. 

 
I’ll stop here so you have ample time to check out all these inspired ideas and to purchase them all! Don’t delay! And be sure to tell everyone The Baroness sent you. You’ll be sure to get extra special treatment. Maybe even a cheeky pat on the bum, if that’s your thing. Don't tell Ron, but I'm thinking of whipping up one of these to put under his tree. It's just so hard to decide which one. Your votes are welcome. And remember, it's a surprise!
Here’s hoping Santa gets you everything on your list, whether you’ve been naughty or nice. 
As Ever, 
xx The Baroness

Dear Baroness,  Over the last decade, the number of my sexual encounters has risen exponentially. As my journey led me from one adventure to the other, from the normal to the abnormal, I realized that I’ve become emotionally colder and my heightened sexual desires and expectations might reflect negatively on my potential partners. I fear that I will become unable to fully enjoy the moment and thus destroy serious love at some point. What can I do to escape this vicious cycle? Thank you and regards, 
Mr. Spicy Chicken 86
  Darling Mr. Spicy, 
Awareness and the willingness to change are two very powerful and attractive qualities and I applaud you on both fronts. 
A few things struck me in your letter. You mention abnormal and normal. I’m curious about these terms. I think we as a society like to label things and people and actions. One could argue the (sexual) things that would be considered ‘normal’ would be monogamy, one man and one woman involved, (though, of course I would hope we all agree by now that two men together or two women together is also ‘normal’) missionary position sex, in bed. Though there are certainly myriad other things within the realm of what one would deem ‘normal’, this is a start. 
Things that may be seen as ‘abnormal’ in the eyes of the world would be anything from BDSM, sex in public, rubber or latex fetishes, polygamy, swinging, foot fetishes, voyeurism, and so on.
I would caution the use of these terms for us all. Because for those who are engaged in these ‘abnormal’ activities, they are completely normal. And when we label others, we risk marginalizing them and this is one way hatred and bigotry spreads. 
Personally, I think those who act upon their kinks (responsibly) and know what turns them on and go for it are far braver than most. Everyone has a dark side, it’s just that most are afraid of owning it, of acting upon it, for fear of judgement and even retribution. So what we do is label and judge and even persecute those who we deem ‘abnormal’ so we can point the finger and distract the attention away from ourselves and our own perversions. 
So let’s say that maybe vanilla, monogamous sex is not turning you on anymore. I get that. It happens. I think internet porn is partially to blame. We become desensitized as we watch and experience more and more extreme and less common acts and scenarios and we crave and need more to get to the same starting and even ending point. It’s an addiction of sorts, and if you are an addictive personality to begin with, it can prove quite dangerous in the end. Nothing and no one is ever enough. When you are not pairing or tempering sex with love, it can be argued that it’s a bit empty. 
Kant argued that outside of a monogamous, love relationship, sex was not acceptable or even enjoyable because it treated the other person merely as an object, an instrument to contain one’s wants and desires and not as a partner in the act.
We’re told that intimacy and love are the greatest joys in life and that we should strive to achieve them. There are those of us who have spent our entire lives running away from these things and searching instead for the quicker fix, the momentary connections, the one night stands, the short term flings, the affairs with no strings or commitments, thinking this will make us seem less needy, more independent, and dare I say, more invincible. But I think that when someone who has felt and acted this way throughout their lives really stops to take stock and realizes the inevitable emptiness which surely accompanies this behavior*, the resulting enlightenment and fulfillment from changing their ways may not be so far off. When one becomes vulnerable and open to another person, the greatest connection - far greater than sex even - occurs. (Or so they tell me.)
*This does not mean that people who choose not to be in relationships are missing out on intimacy and love. Some of the happiest and most fulfilled people I know are single by choice and love it. They are not necessarily celibate or have sworn off dating, but they are also not searching for this temporary ego boost, this connection that comes and goes and often leaves you lonelier than before the encounter began. The get their love and intimacy from friends, family, pets, nature, etc ... sounds kind of hokey, I agree. But I’ve heard it’s true. Something to consider.
Darling Mr. Spicy, you asked what you could do. . . I would argue that you are already doing it.  Keep fighting the good fight, lay off the porn and maybe get a hobby. I hear War Studies is terribly interesting.
As Ever,
xx The Baroness

Dear Baroness,
I have a new boyfriend. I think. We’ve been seeing each other a few times a week for just under two months. We haven’t had any talks about being exclusive but I think it’s assumed at this point, right? 
Anyway, here’s the problem. I told him I was getting my period, just as a courtesy, and he got all weird with me. He cancelled our date. A few days later, when we did meet up, he asked if I was “any better” which I took to mean “not bleeding anymore” and then made some lame excuse about not being able to come home with me. I didn’t want to make a big deal of it but I really wanted to know if it was the fact that I had my period or something else. He squirmed and blushed and said he wasn’t into “that kind of sex”.  I’m so disappointed and frankly, a bit weirded out. Am I overreacting or is he? I don’t want to break up with him over this, but at the same time  . . . this doesn’t bode well for the future. Oh help.
Signed, 
Aunt Flo
 
Darling Flo, 
Oh. Oh, If I had a dollar for every time I heard this story. Men! WTF? This is NOT ACCEPTABLE behavior. If you are a grown-ass man and are dating a grown-ass woman, then approximately every 28 days, she will menstruate. Most of us do not say, “Darling, I’m currently menstruating . . .” We try to make light of this horror by using a wide range of euphemisms (some more vulgar than others) such as shark week, riding the crimson wave, the Communists are in town, falling off the roof, on the rag, the curse, having the painters in, my red-headed cousin from down south, or simply, what so many of us say, “I’ve got my period.” Period. Oh the horror. I can see the faces of you men as I write this. Poor darlings. Forever confused and bewildered. So adorable.
Sadly, there are women out there who are grossed out by their own natural, life-giving menses too. Perhaps your boyfriend should go find one of those uptight lassies. Then they can go and live happily ever after in a clean, white sheet world. And she could go live in a hut for the week she is bleeding, so as not to contaminate others with her lady blood. What a  brilliant solution!
FFS, dudes you do know what a period is, right? 
It will not kill you if you to have sex with a woman who is bleeding. This is a fact. 
I have a secret to tell . . . I get my period too! I have had it come at unexpected and inconvenient times. I have had men react, almost exclusively, as grown ups; gentleman even. For this is the price one must pay for having sex with a real, live, human woman. Wow. Imagine that. 
I will tell you, that no matter how many times it happens, and no matter how many years you have been getting your period, you will still feel like an embarrassed teenager when it happens. And the best thing that can happen is for you dudes to not freak out. 
If you are treating your woman like a thing that grosses you out, then how is she supposed to feel sexy around you ever again? Seriously.  As they say, if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best - not that periods are the worst. But they suck. Let’s face it.
I had an old beau who said, “A real pirate is not afraid of the red sea”. (Have I used this example already? I feel like I may have, but it bears repeating.) This is a sexy thing said by a man worth keeping around.  
If this is a real thing for him and you want to work through this, offer to take a shower before sexy time. Or shower together. Chances are he either had a bad/messy experience and/or is a a neat freak/hates blood/doesn’t really understand it all  . . . send him to the inter-webs. There are answers and support to be found there. And he is not alone in this hangup. Sadly.
I’d also like to point out, to you men out there, that many women are horny during their periods, much hornier than usual. So the combination of her wanting it more and you wanting it not at all might not be the best way to get in her good graces. 
Honestly, Flo, it might be time to cut this one loose. Things like this are often signs of larger issues. Shame and repression are huge and terrible things and though one can work through them, it’s not your job to fix him. 
But if you really like him you have two choices: Talk to him about it. Make it fun and sexy and less gross/scary for him (Pre-game showering seems to be a great solution for many men I’ve spoken to). Or . . . live without sex for 4-7 days per month. Which is a terrible ‘solution’ in my book. 
And by the way, this does not automatically mean it’s blow job week. Unless you’re into that. And if so, good on you, but I’m not sure he deserves a prize for this behavior, you know? 
You could compromise - which is something I hear people in relationships do - and have it be crazy, horny sex AND blow job week! WinWin! 
As Ever,   
xx The Red Baroness

Dear Baroness, I’m very interested in pleasing the woman I’m with and want to get better at it. I’ve been told I’m a good lover, but I’m a little timid and unsure of myself when it comes to foreplay. I know it’s really important and don’t worry, I don’t just jump into doing the deed, but I don’t think making out and groping really counts, does it?
Any hints on how to improve my game? 
Signed, 
Not Yet the World’s Greatest Lover
 
Darling Lover, A man who is concerned about foreplay! Bravo! A man who wants to know what else he might do to please a woman! Amazing! A man who admits he has things yet to learn and is asking for help! I may just faint! 
The mere fact that you’re curious and want to improve your skills is incredibly sexy. Confidence is also sexy, but over-confidence and cockiness is not. So many men think they know what they’re doing because they watch a lot of porn and as I’ve gotten on my soapbox to say many times before, porn does not a good lover make. 
  I’d take an eager and curious and less confident or experienced man over a cocky, selfish constant porn watcher any day.  Am I right, ladies? 
Just like sex itself, foreplay can be many things to many people. And, just like in life and relationships, many of us just want our partners to know what we want without our having to say it. This is silly and we all need to grow up, stop thinking we’re in a Disney movie and start asking for what we want. 
Sometimes we don’t know exactly what it is we want. It’s okay not to know. Sometimes we’re too shy to say.  Showing is just as effective as verbally asking. Maybe even more so. 
Part of the excitement of being with a new lover is finding out what makes them squirm. And moan. And beg for more. A balance of knowing what you like, asking for it and then being willing to explore together is the perfect cocktail for an evening (or many . . . ) of satisfaction.
One of the most underrated aspects of foreplay are words. And not just whispering dirty thoughts into her ear, though that is certainly a winner. I once had a man lie next to me, clothed, and whisper exactly what he wanted to do to me - in detail. No touching other than feeling his body next to mine. Only the feeling of his breath and the sound of his voice in my ear. It was one of the hottest experiences ever. And the fact that he got up to go to work and left me hanging and desperately waiting for him to come back made the anticipation almost unbearable.
One does not need to go straight for the prize in order to get a woman warmed up. In fact, often times, this backfires. Not only might her body clench and seize up, emotionally, she may be annoyed and disappointed that you are being such a male stereotype and then her brain will not send the sexy-time signals down south, if you know what I mean. A friend used to tell men, “Try going down a water slide with no water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.” Yes. Ouch.
If your woman is acting turned on but she’s not wet, don’t be alarmed or take it personally. Sometimes a person can be totally turned on in their mind but their body does not respond. Just like when your little dude is not obeying, this happens to women too. Sometimes it’s as simple as the fact that you’ve indulged in a 12-hour drinking marathon, you have a medical condition, you might not be as young as you used to be, or maybe you’re on some drugs that are affecting you. Move on and focus on something else and/or just be sure to have a little assistance (lubrication) handy.
Here are some basic jumping off points for you: 
Explore her body. Do you really know all it’s curves and shapes? What about her sensitive spots? Erogenous zones ? (backs of knees, arches of feet, forehead, ears, nape of the neck, fingers, stomach . . .) You could spend many, many hours exploring and teasing, massaging, stroking and licking these areas - that’s not an exaggeration. You will immediately know what areas are responding to your touch, to your breath. It’s not hard to tell. Think of it as your job. The best job ever.
Tease her. Start. Then stop. Leave her wanting more. The sensation of being touched, then not and wanting to be touched more is an incredibly strong one. Vary the pressure of your touch from hard to soft to add to the effect. The desire and heat that it can create is not to be underestimated.
Making out. Oh yes. Nothing really beats a good make out session. Interspersed with neck biting and grabbing, if this does not get her going, you might need to examine your lip-locking technique. Touch her face. This is something not enough men do. It’s sensual and sexy and tender all at the same time. Totally hot.
Eye contact alone can make a person hot. Try it. And in combination with one or several of these other suggestions, you’ll be on your way to crushing it in foreplay land.
Take a bath or shower together. It’s an oldie but a goodie. 
Give her a massage (with a happy ending, of course). 
I have many, many more ideas but this should be enough to start - I don’t want to overwhelm you, darling. 
Just remember, think about what you like and what feels good to you. Chances are she’ll like it too. If you are paying attention, you’ll see results immediately. And then you’ll never write to me again, because you’ll be so exhausted from all the hot sex you’re having! Relax, don’t think too much and you’ll soon be the World’s Best Lover. I’ve no doubt.
As Ever,
xx The Baroness

Dear Baroness,
My girlfriend wants me to send her sexy notes while she’s at work. I want to do this for her, but I know I’ll be terrible at sexting. Can you give me some basic rules and advice? 
Signed, 
All Thumbs 
 
 
Darling All Thumbs,
I think it’s so lovely that you want to do something nice for your girlfriend. I’m also proud of her for telling you what she wants. Though this can be quite a challenging thing for many couples, it’s imperative and can and will improve your sex (and non-sex) life together exponentially. It’s true.
How long have you been dating? I’m assuming you’ve had sex if you’re calling her your girlfriend, but I suppose, I shouldn’t assume anything. 
If you’ve been intimate, chances are you know a few things she likes. This is to your benefit. Not only can you bring this into the conversation, you can build from there and then take it up a few notches.
Start slowly. You need some sexting foreplay. Some teasing. Please do not lead with a dick pic. (This is especially true if you have never met the woman.) There are few things most women like less than an unsolicited, poorly shot photo of an erect or semi-erect or flaccid (Why?!) dick. This does not mean no photos. You are more than your cock, after all. 
If you have never taken photos of your manroot*, (and I think you must be the only man on earth who has not - how adorable) please do not take one that has a toilet in the photo or a little outfit on your Johnson. So not hot. The suggestion of something sexy is often sexier than giving it all away - am I right? Yes. I am right.
Lighting is also important. You might want to spend some time on this site first. (Warning: NSFW). You might learn a few things. I like to visit weekly to see what’s going on in the world of cock shots. Sadly, it makes me laugh more than smile, but it’s entertaining, educational and sometimes it makes me want to call a certain someone and invite him over . . .  wink, wink.
If you are taking photos of your Mini Me, be sure to erase or put them somewhere safe where you can access them again later, unless you fancy coming across your likely amateur attempts at sexy time photos when you’re trying to show your mates pictures of your weekend on the slopes in Klosters. Ooops. You will not live that down. Ever. I still blush recalling a similar accident with a near stranger at a dinner party. Dear god, let me never see him again.
If your girlfriend is asking you to sext her, chances are she is not looking for a romantic story about what you’re going to make her for dinner and how you want to snuggle. While these things can be awesome, and kudos to you if you’re a man who does these things, they are not sexting. Those things would be filed under the category of texting, which does not have the word sex in it. 
While some women shudder think of a man trying to be funny while sexting, there are those who like it. Different strokes for different folks. Some would be horrified with an opening line like, “Wanna see my cock?” and others would respond with “YESYESYES!”
Tell her what you want to do to her. Set the scene. Don’t just talk about penetration. Mention smells and sounds and sights. Mix it up. She does not want predictable, trust me. As in, “I want to climb on top of you and stick my hard cock into your wet pussy.” The end. Yawn.  
And stick with what you want to do to her, not her to you. At least to start. She’s the one asking for it and so, chances are, she wants you to tell her you about how you want to eat every inch of her hot bod, and not hear about your desire for yet another blow job.
And don’t be put off if it's not a two way conversation. She is at work after all, and perhaps she’s the loo reading with only one hand and if she tries to respond, she may drop the phone in the toilet and that would really spoil the mood, right? 
No emojis. And no LOLs. Also, please try to think of sexy terms for body parts, not anatomically correct ones. No one wants to hear about your penis or her vagina. Yuk.
And try not to sound like a cheesy romance novel. 
  Words and phrases to avoid like the plague**
honeypot your essence the heart of your femininity love button intimate folds (Ewww) rosebud pool of moisture love canal appendage  stalk phallus manroot* nub (NEVER EVER EVER utter this. The visual is not a good one.) 
**Again. It’s all a matter of taste. Some people might like hearing these. But most do not. (As in 99.9%)
Perhaps I should give lessons. I’ll charge100 bucks an hour to coach you on your sexting, Darlings. Hmmm . . . not a bad idea, Baroness, you’re always thinking. 
I’ll keep you posted.
Best of luck with your first attempt, Darling. You’ll be swell. I just know it.
  As Ever,
  xx The Baroness