Dear Baroness,
I’ve been dating this guy for about a month and I really like him. But there is one thing that really bothers me, and I’m not sure if maybe I’m making too much of it. We have a lot of sex and it’s quite good - he seems pretty free and we have fun. 
Okay, so I’ll just get to the point. Though I’ve given him countless blow jobs, he has never once gone down on me. Not once. I’ve tried some subtle moves and even some verbal hints but I have never come right out and asked him to do it. I’m well-groomed and shower regularly, so I don’t see the problem.  I don’t know what to do, but I really like him. Maybe it’s something I can live without. I do have my trusty vibrator . . . What do you think?
Signed,
No Tit for Tat
  
Darling Tit, 
Break up with him immediately. Via text is fine. This does not bode well. 
I AM NOT KIDDING.
As Ever, 
xx The Baroness
 
Okay, okay . . . That was a little harsh and you deserve more of an answer. (Though the above pretty much sums it up as far as I’m concerned.)
In my humble opinion, any man that does not go down on a woman is not a man who deserves to have a woman go down on him. Reciprocity is a real thing, darlings. Having said that, if you have a real, grown up discussion and there is an understandable reason (though I cannot think of a single one) why he is adverse to participating in the single most amazing thing ever created on this earth, then you’re welcome to let him off the hook. 
For him to expect you to go downtown and for him not to seems very sketchy to me. But this is your call. If, after several sessions of naked fun with a new lover, he has not made the attempt to go pearl diving, this would send up many warning signals, especially if, as I’ve mentioned, you have treated him to the old Brentwood Hello (look it up).
Chances are he has had a bad experience (who hasn’t?) or has some hangup from his upbringing (ditto) or some religious thing (this happens, guilt is a powerful thing). This could be your chance to teach him. To bring him over to the dark side. But teaching is not always what we want to spend our time doing so you need to decide whether to fish or cut bait, so to speak.
You know my opinion on this, but perhaps you are more charitable than I. 
Good luck and remember, there are many, many, many good men out there who love worshipping at the altar. Go out and find one of them, have your mind blown, and you’ll forget all about whatshisface. Trust me.
xxx

Dear Baroness,
How long is too long for a session of sex? I love having sex with my boyfriend but it usually takes forever. And after about 15 minutes, I loose focus and interest. I love him and am hot for him, but I think he thinks he needs to go forever in order to be more manly or to satisfy me or ... I don’t really know. And he has no concept of a ‘quickie’, which bums me out.
I don’t mean to be ungrateful, I know there are lots of guys who explode the second they get near a woman’s naked body, but there should be some sort of happy medium, you know?
I don’t want to hurt him but how does one bring this up? 
Any help would be much appreciated.
Signed, 
  Staring At My Watch, Waiting For It To End
 
 
 
Darling Staring,
Stamina. It means different things to different people. Some think that 15 minutes is not nearly long enough and to others it feels like an eternity. And sometimes it just depends on your mood, right? 
Men have always had a lot of pressure on them to perform, and with internet porn, it’s only gotten worse. They compare themselves and their staying power to that of dudes who are often, pardon me - freaks of nature - who stay hard for hours (even after ejaculating) and/or have a lifetime supply of Viagra. 
And if our men are watching porn in order to gather intelligence on what the female of the species wants in the sack, well, then, I feel sorry about our future. Go watch some and try to tell me it’s how you really want things to be. 
When people say they had ‘sex all night long’, they don’t mean one position, pounding away,  concentrating only on busting a nut, as it were - they mean they started having sex. They stopped. They started again. They took a nap. They teased, they licked, they kissed, they changed positions (many times), they sweated, they laughed, they played, they talked, and ultimately, hopefully, they both came at least once or - one can only hope - several times. This, my friends, is ‘sex all night long’.
Men also get worried their rebound time, or, more technically, the refractory period. We women have been blessed (it’s so nice to be given at least this one thing . . .) with the ability to keep going with little or no ramp up time, but we need to be understanding of our partners and take advantage of the average 1/2 hour (15 minutes for 18 year old studs and 20 hours for 70 year old studs) down time and go get a sandwich or watch some ESPN highlights while he rests up for the next round. 
I know of no woman who likes to just be pounded for hours. Why would you want her to feel like a thing and not a person? This is supposed to be an interactive event. So why not include your partner in the fun? When we are just lying there for so long, waiting for you to have your fun, we often are multitasking: we’re looking at the ceiling making grocery lists, composing emails and sometimes even, Haiku. 
My pussy is numb Please open the window, dear I’m watching an ant
I know, I know. I’ll stick to writing columns . . .
I don’t care how turned on, young, and naturally lubricated you are, there is this thing called science. (I’m not a scientist and am not sure what kind of science to which I am referring, but it is, nonetheless, science.) The friction caused by the old ‘in/out’ over and over and over and over can and will cause chaffing and skin being rubbed off and other not so lovely things I’d rather not think about. You could probably start a fire if you went at it long enough. This is not the kind of hot I’m looking for.
You mentioned quickies . . . Quickies are underrated. Very underrated. There is nothing hotter than knowing you can grab your man while walking by the Urania parking garage, for example, drag him into the ladies loo, have your way with him and be done in moments, walking back out into the world, passing people on the Bahnhofstrasse who have no idea the origin of your smirk and that glow that only come from being freshly ravaged. Yummy.
Talk to him. This is often the key to many things in relationships, dare I say, in life. Talking about things is almost always a good thing. We are just not always good at doing it. We’re taught that the person we are with should be able to read our minds and know what turns us on - where to touch us and when and for how long ... this is not reality, darlings. And you are not Cinderella. Stop waiting for Prince Charming to arrive on his white steed and just suck it up, tell your man he’s taking too damn long or just take charge, use him as you wish, have a mind blowing orgasm and then fall asleep. Maybe he’ll get the picture.
Please let me know how it goes. I suppose, if you don’t want to talk to him, you could either refuse sex or break up with him, hoping he’ll magically figure it all out and not inflict his power pounding sessions on the next unsuspecting woman he meets at Kinski.
Thumbs pressed for success, darling!
As Ever,
  xx
The Baroness

Hello Darlings!
I’m back and refreshed and looking better than ever! (Photographic proof next week, promise).
While I was off doing unmentionable things with illustrious individuals, I was so pleased to get so many letters from you. What I’m most surprised about is the content. While several of you asked about sex, drugs and retirement plans, more, many more, of you had questions about love.
Ahhh, love. I’ll get to your letters over the coming weeks, but here’s the one I chose to start with:
Dear Baroness,
I am devastated. And embarrassed. And just sad. I have this situation. I have a mad crush on a guy and I finally told him. Of course I knew in my heart of hearts that he's not crushing back on me, but I couldn't help myself. And now I feel rotten. And pathetic. Is there anything I can do to feel less awful? He isn't repulsed by me, he just doesn't have the same level of feelings. Oh, and I cried. I'm such a cliché.
They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, but I know that’s not what I really what I want or need. It would only be a distraction and I’d probably feel even worse after. But I have to admit, the distraction is tempting. Time seems to be standing still. Maybe I'll go join the Convent.
Please advise.
Signed,
Lovelorn Lorna
Darling Lorna,
Oh darling . . . I feel for you. Really I do. Few things are more painful than Unrequited Love. Yes. capitalized. It’s that significant. One of the more painful experiences of life, surely. But also one of the most human. Not until you have been spurned, rejected, denied; no matter how kindly, generously, and with the softest of kid gloves, will you understand what it’s like for those whose advances you have rebuffed.
And we've all been there. And if you haven't yet, darlings, hold tight, it will happen. It's inevitable.
You're not pathetic. Did you think the person you once did not love back was a pathetic? No. Not at all. Can you imagine if everyone you loved or liked liked or loved you back? That would actually be awful. Think about it.
Whether you're the Unrequited or the Unrequitee, it's never easy. Unintentionally hurting someone is no fun.
But you’re also brave. You said your peace. You expressed yourself. You made a real, human connection with someone else and that, they tell me, is what life is all about. Bravo.
And here’s another thing. Not all unrequited love is really love. I think there needs to be a space for unrequited “I like you a lot”, you know what I mean?
Sometimes one person is a chicken or emotionally stunted or in denial. Sometimes they are scared that they will loose you as a friend and don’t want to fuck up a good thing. That’s perfectly understandable and the grown up, mature part of your brain will comprehend this and even honor and appreciate it, but in your heart - in your gut - where your ego lives, it hurts - because we all want to be wanted. Desire to be desired. Adore being adored. And when someone says they adore you but don’t feel as strongly about you as you do them ... well, that does suck.
So. My advice. Time. Time is the only true healer of these things. You might want to have some space. It may be easier to heal on your own. Out of sight and out of mind and all.
Or maybe you want to take what you can get. Maybe you can separate your feelings from the friendship you have. Maybe you want to propose a 'friends with benefits' type relationship, if you can handle it. But this depends on how rejective the rejection was. Is it 'Unrequited love but I’m still hot for you'? Is it 'I adore everything about you but am just not attracted to you'? These are important distinctions.
Boundaries and expectation management are things to think about. We may want someone to read our minds and to just know what we want and what we think and that that is what love is. But believe me, sugar, love takes work and in order to get what you want - what you need - you must ask.
You could say something like this, “Dude. I don’t want to be your girlfriend. I want to be your friend. But I’m also hot for you and would like to get naked. Or maybe just sleep in the same bed sometimes. Or hold hands."
You may risk being rejected yet again. It’s a very real possibility, but asking for what you want and being honest and open is what you do now. It's who you are. And that's awesome. When you have been honest with yourself and your needs, even if they are not met with an, "Hell yeah, come over here, woman!" It’s brave and honorable and ultimately kind to yourself to do this.
We should all be so brave. Truly. I know I’m not. Well done. I'm proud of you. Sending a bear hug, lots of empathy, an atta girl, and total respect to you. Word.
As ever,
xx The Baroness
 
 

Dear Baroness, 
I have been dating this girl for about a year and am just not feeling it any more. I like her but I don’t love her. And she likes me more than I like her. I’m just tired of it. I want to remain friends but maybe that’s not possible. Any advice on how to handle this? I don’t want her to cry.  
Signed, 
  The Heartbreaker
 
Darling Heartbreaker,
Have you been dating a girl or a woman? Chances are (hopefully), she was and is over 18 and therefore very much a woman.
Women deserve to be treated with respect. As do men. In this potentially precarious situation, remember what it’s like to be the dumpee and not the dumper, that should help put things into perspective. 
No matter how hot and amazing and perfect you are, there is a 99.9% chance that you have been dumped and know what it feels like. I have a friend who used to say, “Show me the hottest blonde in the world and I’ll show you a dude who’s tired of fucking her.” Eloquent, I know, but you get the gist. Be kind. Be kind. Be kind.
Did you even consider that perhaps she is also ready to break it off, but doesn’t want you to cry? Let’s be real here, darling. The chances of a person - a human with emotions - crying when they are sad and upset are pretty high. And not only women cry. I’ve heard, in certain places in the world, that the males of the species cry as well. And that they actually feel better after and may even have more true bonds with those with whom they’ve been so vulnerable and real. How cute is that?
There is not some magical blanket breakup speech one can deliver so that all parties involved remain friends and skip joyfully into the sunset. Someone will get hurt. And if you are not a complete asshat, you will likely feel a little pain as well. 
As for remaining friends. This is complex. There are several schools of thought on this.  I think they can, but if there is any inkling of a crush, sexual tension, lust or even love (duh) then they cannot and should not, and instead they should just get their freak on and see where that takes them.
Time is the only thing that can really enable you to be friends. Someone will always still love the other, someone will be hot for the other, someone will be jealous of the other moving on (dating/sleeping with others) for a long time. I’m always a bit suspicious of those who are able to be friends right away. If they really are able to be just friends after being in love, or at least after dating for some time, doesn’t that mean that the person is somehow able to turn their emotions on and off at will? And though I’m totally jealous of this trait, it’s not exactly healthy, now is it? There are a few things which I would say are universally uncool and therefore not allowed:

Breaking by up text. NO. NO. NO. There is no situation in which this is remotely acceptable.
Taking the person on the best (most adventurous, most expensive, etc . . .) date you’ve had in months or years and at the end saying, “We need to talk . . . .” Just no. 
Starting a fight so that the other person will break up with you. This is just cowardly and totally lame.
Having little fights then breaking up then crawling back, or bootie calling, or texting lame emojis and getting back together, having a few days or weeks of good sex and then breaking up over something stupid again. This yo-yo bullshit is not cool to do to one another (or your friends, by the way). Are you in or are you out? Grow up.
Not breaking up in person. Or not having an adult, face to face conversation. Which is admittedly hard. So very hard. So hard that I know people who are not capable of this. 

I once broke up with a man in a lousy and unfair and totally not grown up way. He was pretty much the dream boyfriend (for most women - but I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and reality to set in) and never did anything that was not ‘perfect’ (huge bouquets of flowers, staying in penthouses of swanky hotels, limo rides to far away cities for dinner, road trips in his sexy car, watching him paint while listening to our favorite music, amazing sex, and the list goes on . . .)
So, one day, I just couldn’t take it any longer. He was in the shower and I just left. I did write him a note. I almost didn’t, but that would be rude.  It was brief: I can’t do this anymore. Sorry.  And that was that. People: THIS IS NOT A GROWN UP WAY TO BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE. DO NOT DO THIS. I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON. Do as I say, not as I do.
Remember that you were with this person for a reason. Start from there. And BE KIND. Also, remember that the world is small and payback is a bitch. 
Good luck darling! Remember not to cry!
  As Ever, xx The Baroness

Dear Baroness, 
My birthday is coming up and my boyfriend keeps asking me what I’d like. I’m too shy to tell him that what I really want is a threesome. With him and another guy. How do I bring this up? He’s joked about a threesome with another girl before but I think he was just joking. I really think it would be fun and maybe even good for us. But I don’t know how to approach him about it. I need your advice. 
Signed, 
Just a Girl Who’s in the Mood for Two Dudes
 
Darling Just a Girl,
Happy Birthday, Darling! Sounds like, if you can figure out how to get what you want, it will be a good one. (You’ll have to write and share all the sordid details.)
This is potentially complicated on so many levels. Asking for something you want on your birthday can be difficult no matter how benign or risqué it is - most of us don’t feel comfortable just blurting out, “ A sexy way to stay connected when we’re apart ”, or “ Help around the house! ”, or “ You wearing something more daring at the beach! ”, or “ A coffee table book! ”, or even, “ I’m so thirsty !”. I’m still waiting for someone to write a song about me for my birthday . . . 
Asking for sex with someone outside the relationship for the first time (even with your partner involved) will likely be uncomfortable at best and disastrous and relationship-ruining at worst. But being able to communicate is an important thing. Especially in intimate relationships (or so they tell me). 
I’d venture to say that a good many men in hetero relationships would like to have a threesome. With two women. This is something I’ve heard more times than I’ve dreamt that Viggo Mortensen is my sex slave - and that’s a lot. I still greet the idea with my branded eye roll every time. Soooooo predictable, boys. You can do better. Really.
Now, imagine if your guy suggested a threesome for you on your birthday. With him and another dude. Now that’s love. Especially if he is not naturally bi or curious. (Hurrah for you perfect and amazing men.) An open-minded and generous soul is a keeper. So much sexier to be unpredictable and all about your partner on her birthday. Hint. Hint.
Now, if you want to be with another woman, that’s cool too. Of course. And it’s not only men who like this. But I do think there are many women who indulge their men this fantasy and who get little or nothing out of it. But again, is it wholly wrong to do something for your partner even if you’re not in love with the idea? If you don’t want to engage, that’s cool too, but if you don’t care either way, and it’s their life-long fantasy, why the hell not? (As long as  you’ve discussed and agreed to the rules ahead of time, of course. And are fully aware that stronger unions than yours have been torn asunder by lesser indulgences.)
Here is another question: Do you invite someone you know into your bed or a stranger? There are perks and drawbacks to both. Looking a friend in the eye over coffee the next morning after such an event could be terribly awkward, though being with someone you know and trust is technically a good thing. But strangers sound sexier and, of course, more anonymous. Somehow the thought of never having to see this third person again seems more dangerous (Duh, Baroness. It is.) and thus more appealing. Right? No? Yes? You tell me.
Do you already know who you want to propose as the trifecta in your triangle?  If you want to suggest to your bf that you want to also sleep with his super hottie best friend, this might not go over so well. Or it might . . . Again, it’s all relative and you can’t know until you’ve asked, but be warned it all can be quite murky and go south quite quickly. 
I don’t envy you, actually. I’m getting tired even thinking about all this and may need a nap soon. 
You could have a bottle (or three) of wine and play Truth or Dare, insisting on Truth when it’s your turn, and have it come out somewhat organically, or you could be quite serious and broach the subject postcoitally (be sure the session was better than good). Or you could pretend you were in 7th grade and write him a note: 
Dear _____ , I like you. Do you like me? Check yes or no.  If yes, want to have a threesome with me and _________?Check yes or no.  See you by the monkey bars after school.  Heart, heart. Rainbow. Kittens.
I vote for the note. It’s cute. And good for cowards. Not saying you’re a coward. But if you’re scared, it might be a good ice breaker. And perhaps the best idea is to combine all three. Drink lots of wine, have sweaty, loud, all-afternoon sex, then put this note on the bathroom mirror. Then leave the house and see if he ever calls you again. Just kidding. Just wait in bed, naked, looking all cute and glowy. He’ll be hard pressed to say no, I’m sure of it.
Best Wishes for the best birthday!
As Ever,
xxx The Baroness