Dear Baroness, 
It was an honor meeting you at the Rooftop Party last weekend. I really enjoyed our talk. As promised, I’m writing you asking for advice: I am a 47 year old man and I am newly divorced after almost 15 years and am interested in seeing what’s out there, women-wise. So I joined Tinder (I read your article and was curious) and haven’t looked back since.
I met a 21 year old woman in the first few days and we’ve been chatting since then - it’s been about 3 weeks. We haven’t met yet. I’m really enjoying the flirting and the exchange. It’s exciting and she’s really hot. I want to meet her, maybe even date her, maybe more - who knows? But is this crazy? Am I just clouded by the newness of it all? Am I making a fool of myself?
Please Baroness, help me.
Signed, 
Middle-Aged Cliché (without the convertible)
 
Darling Middle-Aged Cliché, 
It was lovely meeting you as well. You seem like a good man and I thank you for your honesty. 
I’m not going to beat around the bush, Darling. Why a 21 year old? Why not someone only half your age? (That would be 23 1/2.) 47 - 21 = 26. She’s 26 years younger than you are. Twenty. Six. You could be her father and then some. You’re forty-seven. She’s TWENTY-ONE. I know this is beginning to sound repetitive, but I really need to make sure you understand what I’m saying. Capice?
Let’s say I was 47 and I wanted to date a 21 year old. It could be fun, admittedly. For a night. At best. But ugh. Please. It sounds annoying and exhausting. I have little patience for children. But somehow that seems less offensive. An older woman with a younger man. And why is that? Because is it not reinforcing the misogynist stereotypes of an older man and a much younger woman. The old May-December romance. Not that you’re going to marry this doe-eyed dear, but if you did, you’d be in the company of some stellar men: Alec Baldwin, David Hasselhoff, Rod Stewart, Jack Nicholson, Mick Jagger, Steve Martin, Hugh Heffner, Chuck Norris and The Donald all married women 24-28 years younger than themselves. (According to my research, most divorced and went out and found another child bride. Shocker.)
But before I lecture you any more, I’d like to say that I do think it’s possible to fall in love with someone much older or younger. Or taller. Or richer. Or whatever. There are always exceptions which prove and disprove rules, stereotypes and stupidity. So there you have it. But really. Why on earth would you want to be in a relationship with someone from a different generation?! 
  And who says you want to marry this 21 year old blonde? You haven’t even met her! What if it’s just sex?  “Is that okay, Baroness?” you asked. Is that okay?! Of course! Who am I to judge or tell you no? Be safe and have no expectations. But remember, you told me you have an 18 year old daughter. She will be 21 soon. Just let that simmer for a bit. 
You said that what you liked was that she was a young, hot blonde who swiped right and is interested in you. YOU. I get it. I do. If you can get a 21 year old chick to want to let you buy her sex toys and talk dirty to you on the phone, then that means you’re not old. You still have it . And that’s a heady feeling. Because you are no longer young, my friend. You look good . . . for your age. You are a sexy guy. You’re funny and smart and charming. SO WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO WASTE THAT ON SOMEONE WHO WAS NOT EVEN ALIVE WHEN Lost in Translation CAME OUT?! 
What’s so scary about a woman (there are hot, sexy ones over 40, btw) who is your age and has real life experience and history and wisdom? One who surely has a better idea of what to do in the sack (I don’t care how much porn you’ve watched, this does not substitute for real experience. Trust me.) and who will never ask you, “What was it like to be alive during the Cold War?” 
What the hell. Just go for it. Ask to meet her. I hope she’s not a working girl or that she’s not just interested in leading you on and has no intention of meeting you (who wouldn’t enjoy sexting with older men who tell you how hot you are constantly?). That would be lousy. And I don’t want you to feel lousy. I hope you meet her and she’s real and smart and funny and proves me wrong. I’d love that. I would. Truly. 
And if it doesn’t work out this time, consider using the handy rule for calculating the youngest acceptable age of which you should consider being with: Half your age plus seven. (Historically, it’s a man’s rule, but I like stealing things from boys.) 
In case you’re bad at math, for you, it’s 30. That's still young, tiger. As Ever,
xxx The Baroness

Dear Baroness,  I’ve been dating this great guy for about a month and the inevitable question of how many sexual partners we’ve each had has come up. I pride myself in being an honest person and want to be with him, but I’m afraid that if I tell him the truth about how many men I’ve slept with, he’ll be horrified. (I was a bit of a wild one in my 20s.) 
What should I do? Signed,  Formerly Slutty Honest Girl
Darling FSHG,
First of all, please don’t refer to yourself as slutty . Would you call a man who had slept around a slut? Not likely. We have another word for men who sleep around . . .  stud . Stud not a shameful or derogatory word, it’s a boastful one, yet it means the same thing as slut, technically. Ahhh, sexism. It’s everywhere. Just because you slept around and (hopefully) enjoyed it, you are not a slut. You are a woman who went out and got what she wanted. This should not be shameful. Perhaps if we stop focusing on the numbers and insisting on labeling and judging everyone and their behaviors and everyone minds their own damn business, we won’t have to use words like slut or stud. I would like that very much.  
Moving on . . . Your instincts are right on as far as knowing that this might be one situation where total honesty might not be the best policy. A friend’s mother used to say, “Seven.” Seven is the right answer to this question. Why? Because you are still under the universal average of ten (for men AND women) and seven is a good, unthreatening number.  It says, “I’ve been around enough to know what goes where and liked it enough to do it more than once, but we could still learn things together.” It’s a swallowable number. 
Yes. I’ve just encouraged you to lie. But I’m doing it to help you. Trust me. NO ONE REALLY WANTS TO KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT THIS. Unless of course, your number really is seven or under ten. Then feel free to boastfully share your cute little single-digit number to the world. 
Why do we need to ask this question? Why is it so important to us? What is it about? Control? Jealousy? Competition? I don’t have the answer but I’m terribly curious. 
He may say, “No really, I can handle it. It won’t change how I see you.” He really means this. But he wants, even needs, you to answer, “Seven”, not “Fifty-three”. Fifty-three is NEVER the right answer. 
No one wants to think about how many people their partner has been with, not just because of the ick factor of where his/her bits have been, but because, whether we admit it or not, we are human beings and we do have feelings and emotions and sometimes we even get attached to someone and maybe even fall in love. I have heard of this happening, but have never experienced it, because it seems quite messy and exhausting to me. But it is true that when we really like someone, chances are, we don’t relish the thought of picturing them nakedly enjoying themselves with another. There are exceptions to this, of course. I know a man who loves thinking about his woman being with other men, but this is a fetish of sorts and for the most part, people don’t want to know.
I suggest making a list. This is a perfect time to do it. Sometimes you may not remember some names. It happens. In that case, you can write ‘guy in red hat behind the dumpster homecoming weekend’ etc . . .  the point is to get it all out. Create the taxonomy and then, burn it. Make it a ceremony of sorts. An event. Invite others to join in. I did this in my 20s with my best friend and we had one hell of an evening telling sexual exploit stories and making fun of each other’s poor decision making. And then we burned them. It was awesome. I think I need to do it again.
So darling, I think you now know how I feel about this. I’m all for honesty. Mostly. If you really like this man and think this relationship might go somewhere you can either lie, change the subject, discuss why it’s important for him to know this information and/or tell the truth. Just remember, you can’t unhear or unsee something. So if you’re honest and you have numbers that are considered high for a woman (check out this handy calculator to see how you stack up against others! What could be more fun!) be prepared for the consequences. 
Stop using the word slut and start embracing the fact that you are a grown-ass woman with needs and you don’t owe anyone an explanation. (For anything.) If you choose to tell him the truth, please write and tell me. I’m dying to know what happens. 
I’ll be over here, gently fibbing when necessary to any and all unsuspecting lovers, because no one wants to be with a Virgin Baroness.
As Ever, 
xxx
The Baroness

Dear Baroness, 
I have a question about safe sex. It’s important to me to be responsible and I am. Almost always. But I find that many men want to jump right in to my lady bits without a care or condom. There isn’t even a conversation. I know it’s a sweeping statement but I also find that the younger men I go out with seem to be better about using condoms or bringing it up than the older ones. I’m interested to hear your thoughts on the matter and any advice you could give about how to handle this delicate subject.
Signed, 
No Glove No Love (mostly)
 
Darling (mostly),
Condoms . . . no one likes ‘em, but we gotta use ‘em. It’s a cold hard fact. Ha. Hard. I agree with your sweeping statement about older versus younger men and the comfort and usage of condoms and talking about them. Though I have examples of exceptions on either end too. (From friends, of course - the Baroness is celibate!) Why is this, you suppose? The younger ones are more open and liberated sexually? More cautious? It almost seems counter intuitive as the younger ones are the ones who grew up with internet porn and seeing no condoms, no hair and lots of money shots. Maybe it’s just a coincidence. I will look into it. 
It should be simple. Oh so simple. You’re rolling around on the dining table and it’s obvious to both parties there will be some in flagrante delicto-ing going down soon and this is what should happen:
IDEAL: No conversation. Man pulls out condom discreetly, puts it on and things continue rolling merrily along as they were. 
ALSO GOOD: A conversation. We are all supposedly adults and this should not be so tough. Granted, this is not a fun or always comfortable conversation but, like taxes and calling your deaf grandmother every Sunday, it must be done. We now live in an age where, at any time, 60% of the adult, sexually active population has HPV, so even if you have no symptoms, you may be a carrier and give it to your partner. So it’s not always about getting, it’s about giving too.
Sample acceptable conversation: 
He: Shall I fetch a rubber?
She: Duh.
End Scene.
Or
She: I’ve got a condom if you don’t.
He: Sweet! I hope it’s extra large.
She: Me too.
End scene. 
NOT GOOD: 
Chick: Do you have any protection?
Dude: Nope.
Chick: I do. I’ll be right back.
Dude: Don’t leave, baby. I’m clean. My little man hates to be all covered up.
(We hear the door closing behind Smart Chick who has left.)
If the man does not just put it on, then the woman needs to say any variation of “Hold on, cowboy. No glove, no love” or “I’m a safety girl!” A la Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman . However you say it, you need to say it. And if the dude says, (These are real examples I’ve heard)  “I’m clean” or “I can tell you’re clean” or “You smell healthy” (yes, someone actually said this), or “I don’t have AIDS”. Then you should kick them out or leave immediately. This man is a jerk/loser/pathetic. 
And if neither of you bring it up, then chances are you will be thinking about it soon after the deed is done, if not during and then you will respect this person less and maybe even resent the fact that they did not bring it up. It’s hard to start a relationship this way. If that’s what you might be looking for. It’s always lurking there in the background. Something to think about . . .
But WAIT! There really should be no conversation. It should just happen. Really people. I’m serious. 
There is NOTHING SEXIER than a man who just puts it on. No question. No discussion. He is protecting himself, protecting you and respecting you as well. This does happen! There are men RIGHT HERE IN ZURICH who are skilled in this underreported technique. I’ve heard that even in Winterthur, there are those who engage in such chivalrous and awesome behavior. Rock on, responsible, respectful, hot men. Rock on.
If you have an IUD or are on birth control or have your tubes tied or whatever other reason you could not get pregnant, this is also NOT A REASON NOT TO PROTECT YOURSELF! Babies are one thing but gonorrhea, herpes, hpv, chlamydia, etc. . . ARE ANOTHER! Don’t make me post photos. That shit ain’t pretty, darlings.
So what is the answer here? MEN. Do yourself a favor. Don’t be silly, protect your willie! The women (and/or men) of the world will thank you and think you are so much hotter for it. Just do it. Put it on. If the relationship continues then you can have a talk and/or get tested.  It’s not necessarily forever. But until then, you will earn serious sexy points for stealthily donning a french letter. (I love this one.)
P.S. I’m well aware that this did not touch upon other important subjects such as oral sex and non-hetero sex, not to mention the different kinds of condoms, but these will have to wait for another day. I’m exhausted and the sun is shining. I’m off to Werdinsel, darlings.
As Ever, 
xxx
The Baroness

Dear Baroness, I need some advice. What is the protocol if I broke someone’s bed? How and what position we were in is, ahem, irrelevant. I just want to know if I’m supposed to fix it, or pay for a new bed frame, or maybe just buy her dinner? I’m a skinny bastard and she’s not exactly big, so I’m not sure how this happened . . . maybe the bed already had issues? This has never happened to me before and I just want to make sure I’m handling it correctly. Also, I don’t know her last name, and can’t remember where she lives (I may still have been drunk when I left the next morning). What to do? I’m not a jerk and just want to do the right thing. Please advise. Signed,  Doesn’t Know His Own Strength
Darling DKHOS, I love picturing how this could have happened.  So many possibilities. Congratulations. This is an accomplishment to be sure. Was it a one night stand? I’m assuming since you don’t know her last name that it may indeed be the case. Fabulous. I love it.  Just how skinny are you? Are you tall? Short? Dark hair? Light?  Bald? Brown eyes? Blue? It just helps me create a better mental picture. Thanks.
In the end, it does not matter whether the bed was brand new or if she’d been entertaining elephants nightly before you came into the picture. The reality is, it happened while you were doing some variation of the horizontal mambo and so it’s your fault / responsibility. At least it happened while you were having a bit of fun. It wouldn’t be such a great story/visual if it had happened when you were sitting putting your socks back on the next morning. (Though it would still be your responsibility to make it right.)
I have a friend (be warned, this story is not nearly as sexy as yours) who has a little place in the mountains. She and her husband bought all the furniture at a little second hand place and got great old Swiss Chalet-type stuff. They had people over for the weekend and one evening, a woman broke one of the beloved dining chairs. So what should the guest who broke the chair do? The correct answer is: She should apologize to the homeowners and then offer to replace/repair the chair. Simple as that. Whether you are a dear old friend or a first time guest, the etiquette is no different. Apologize and then offer make things right. 
In this case, the woman did nothing. She may have been embarrassed or uncomfortable, but this is not any reason not to handle things correctly. Making jokes to ease the tension is understandable and even forgivable as long as, in the end, one does the right thing. Chances are, the person who is in ownership of the now broken thing will not ask you to fix/replace said item, but that is up to them. Addressing and offering is a gesture of good faith and kindness and good manners. But do be prepared for the worst case scenario - you may have to shell out some dough. After all . . . you did break it. (Though, in your case, there is an accomplice and that accomplice is most likely the owner of the broken piece and so may be more apt to let it go with an apology, a huge bouquet of lilacs which you cut yourself from your garden and an expensive bottle of bubbly. And the promise that next time you’ll rent a room at the Dolder.)
I say you should find a way to contact her. Surely you have some mutual friends? You can remember something about her? Where she works? What she drinks? You’re a smart boy, I’m sure you can figure it out. You like a challenge. And now you have one.
Apologize and offer to fix the bed. Humor is always a good way to go with these things. Maybe there is some joke you can make with screws/screwing? (Stop rolling your eyes. It’s a start . . . I can’t be expected to hold your hand the entire way.)
She may not want to see you ever again and perhaps she has already fixed the problem, but again, it’s a matter of manners, class and karma, all of which are terribly underrated (especially good manners). Just do it. You’ll feel better, and either you’ll end up back in the rack for another round of fun, or good friends, or perhaps never see one another again - but here is where karma comes in. Do the right thing. You will help restore her faith in men. Seriously. That is until the next horny, drunken jerk comes along and breaks her bed again.
Go get ‘em, tiger. I have faith in you. And do let me know how it all works out.
As ever, 
xxx The Baroness
 

Dear Baroness,
 
Let's play a little game called: "Would you rather...?" (Would you rather have sex with...) Feel free to elaborate on your choices. Okay, here goes. Would you rather: Roger Federer or John McEnroe? Sepp Blatter or Donald Sterling?  Til Schweiger or George Clooney? Clive Owen or Jason Statham? Viggo Mortensen or Hugh Jackman? Cary Grant or Clark Gable? Paul Newman or Robert Redford?  Don Draper or Roger Sterling? And finally: Sporty Swiss Guy who would meet you at Josef or Hairy Chested Brit who would meet you while drinking scotch at Widder Bar? Xx Just Curious
 
Darling Just Curious,
 
What an entertaining and amusing scenario! This is going to be fun. . . I'm curious about how you came to choose the men you did. Where is Justin Bieber? Stress? Leonardo DiCaprio? And how you managed to include so many of my mad crushes! (Mom, is that you?) Admittedly, some are easier choices than others and I'll do my best to explain. . .  (And as a side note, I am assuming that there is no threat of death or dismemberment if I choose not to choose. Because sometimes choosing is not an option.)
 
I'm not attracted to either tennis player honestly, but if I had to choose (and apparently I do), I choose the less ill-tempered man and seemingly kinder person in Federer. Though who knows what he's like behind closed doors. McEnroe seems passionate but unpredictable and his hair is bothersome. And he made a name for himself not by being the best - though he was one of the best - but by yelling at the line judges and challenging their calls. I can feel my blood pressure rise (not in a good way) just thinking about all the yelling. Sometimes boring beats dramatic. So, Federer.
 
Not Blatter and not Sterling. Sorry. You can't make me choose. It has nothing to do with the fact that they are both old. There are some old dudes I'd shag (though their names are escaping me at the moment). I like that Blatter is a FIFA guy. I like football (soccer). I like Swiss men. He's been accused of corruption, but show me a leader of a highly-visible brand/company who has not. I'm more bothered by his comments about women's football and how they should wear skimpy outfits to get more people to watch. (Though it may be true, it's not cool to say.) On the other hand, Sterling is American. (Go USA!) and has lots of money and has been accused of being racist. Ouch! Not cool! Which is worse? Bedding a sexist old guy or a racist old guy? I vote we send them both far away.
 
Til is sexy. For sure. But somehow he doesn't do it for me. Clooney is arguably overrated, but I do adore his swagger, charm and silliness. And how he looks in a suit. So. Clooney.
 
You cannot make me choose between Clive and Jason. Maybe it's the British accent, maybe it's the smirk. Two of my biggest crushes for sure. Have you seen The Croupier? Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels?  Am I allowed a threesome? I'd be okay with that. Give me a minute with this dream. . .
 
Okay. I'm back.
 
ViggoViggoViggo. Hugh is awfully swell. And a very kind and generous star (ask anyone who had the pleasure to meet him at the Zurich Film Festival a few years ago). And I don't care about his sexual preference. Whatever it may be. Truthfully, that wouldn't keep me from wanting to have my way with someone (See Cary Grant). But there is no competition here. Viggo is my number one boyfriend and someday he will realize that we belong together and show up at my house with Peonies and freshly baked bread and we'll go sailing he'll read D.H. Lawrence to me and then he'll rip off his shirt and get into a fight. With another shirtless guy or several. On shore. Of course. (It's my dream - it doesn't have to make sense to you).
 
Cary Grant, though dead for some time now, is also high on my list (top of the list of doable dead guys). Charm, wit, humor, that voice. That hair. Sigh. They don't make 'em like they used to. Who was he opposite? I don't even remember anymore. Give me the former Archie Leach any day.
 
When I was younger, I would have said Redford without hesitation, but now, being older and wiser, I don't know that I could choose. I keep forgetting that Mr. Gorgeous Blue Eyes is no longer with us, which makes me sad. Because I wanted to meet him. And, well, Redford did kiss me on the cheek once. That was nice. Tie. But no threesome - that doesn't seem right.  They're Butch and Sundance, FFS!
 
Though I cannot deny the appeal of Don Draper, I'm a huge Roger Sterling fan from way back. So sexy. (What is it about cocky men in well-tailored suits?!?)
 
Before I answer the last one, I have to mention two men with whom I'd run away in a heartbeat (neither of whom would be accused of being a heartthrob): Louis C.K and John Cleese. From his A Fish Called Wanda days. Nothing beats an intelligent, funny man. Nothing.
 
Remember: Eye candy is just that. Boring. Replaceable. And overrated.
 
Hairy-chested, whisky-swilling Brit hands down. Please give him my number. Or better yet, tell him to get a room at the Widder and I'll meet him upstairs.
 
That was fun! I think I need a drink now. Or a nap. Maybe both.
 
As ever,
 
Xxx
The Baroness

Dear Baroness, 
 
I hope you can help me. I have just entered the world of online dating (on several platforms - I’m diving in to the deep end) and there seems to be this language of letters and acronyms of which I have no idea. A few of them I can figure out, (BDSM, SM, DWM, etc. . . .) but many are completely baffling to me.
 
Here they are:
 
DDF
LDR
ONS
W/E
HWP
MBA
NSA
VGL
FS
LFG
WTR
TDH
 
I would really appreciate your insight. It’s a scary world, this internet dating world,  but I’m optimistic. Wish me luck.
 
Signed, 
 
SWFLFLIATWP 
(single white female looking for love in all the wrong places)
 
 
Darling SWFLFLINTWP,
 
I’m so glad you wrote! And ever more glad that you are getting yourself out there! Bravo and congratulations! You’ll surely meet no one by sitting home alone watching porn (though it may be cheaper . . .) so this is a brave and worthwhile first step.
 
As you know from my previous columns, I have only ever tried Tinder, but do know there are sites for everyone and everything out there so that makes me happy. Something for everyone, from farmers to cat lovers , bikers to singles with food allergies and finally, those who think they are better than the rest of us .
It doesn’t matter to me what site you are visiting as long as you like it and it’s a respectful and legal place to meet men. Or women. Or whatever it is you are looking for. That’s another lovely thing about technology; where once individual people had to lurk around in fetish clubs and place cryptic ads in the newspapers in order to find others like them, now, entire populations of balloon lovers, water sports enthusiasts and furries can create and participate in a safe community with just a few clicks, which is a pretty awesome use of the interwebs, if you ask me.
 
So. To the matter at hand. These are some fairly basic acronyms and I’m sure you will encounter more as you delve deeper into the underworld of online dating. And feel free to write back with any other questions (and certainly with any juicy, stories with lurid details).
 
 
DDF - drug / disease free
 
LDR - long distance relationship
 
ONS - one night stand
 
W/E - well-endowed
 
HWP - height weight proportional 
 
MBA - married but available 
 
NSA - no strings attached
 
VGL - very good looking
 
BHM - bald headed man
 
FS - financially secure
 
LFG - looking for group
 
WTR - willing to relocate
 
TDH - tall dark handsome
 
 
I’d say that anyone who calls themselves well-endowed, tall dark and handsome or (TGL) terribly good looking might be someone to avoid. These are what we might call narcissists and take it from me, they are not the best at relationships with real people. Mirrors, yes. People, no. Though I will say that it can be argued that if one were to write W/E, it might not be a brag, but a warning. They may think they are merely stating a fact like their height or weight. So there’s that. 
 
 
 
One last thing, be sure you know, or at least have thought about what it is you’re looking for on these sites. 
 
Are you looking for someone to hang out with?  Dinner? Cinema? Museum? Long walks along the promenade? Just sex? (Yes, readers. Newsflash. Some women want just sex too. With no strings attached. It’s not just you men. You think everything is for you. It’s not. We also like cars, beer and video games. So there.) Are you looking for a relationship?  How do you define relationship? Are you dying to get married? Have babies? How important is monogamy? These are the tip of the iceberg. Just think about it. Because there is nothing worse than meeting someone and liking them and not talking about expectations (not on the first, second or even third date, just before you get to the stage where you’re seeing each other a few times a week), and suddenly he’s in love and you just want to go away for the weekend and have crazy sex and not speak during the week. It can happen. It’s a thing. So is communication. It solves a lot of potential and actual problems. I’ve been trying it lately. It’s pretty effective. Give it a try.
 
I hope you find a DDF, W/E, HWP, FS, WTR, TDH person who is also single, smart and funny. And kind. That’s an underrated quality. 
 
Have fun, be safe and do report back.
 
As ever, 
 
xxx
 
The Baroness